Westwood Conveyancing

   

Christmas Jokes

Why does Santa have 3 gardens?

So he can ho-ho-ho.

 

Why was Santa's little helper depressed?

Because he had low elf esteem.

 

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?

Frostbite.

 

What do you get when you cross an archer with a gift-wrapper?

Ribbon hood.

 

The 3 stages of man:

He believes in Santa Claus.
He doesn't believe in Santa Claus.
He is Santa Claus.

 

When you stop believing in Santa Claus is when you start getting clothes for Christmas.

 

It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner, "What are you charged with?" "Doing my Christmas shopping early," replied the defendant. "That's no offense," said the judge. "How early were you doing this shopping?" "Before the store opened," countered the prisoner.

 

T'was the night before Christmas and all through the house,
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care.
They'd been worn all week and needed the air.

 

 What do elves learn in school?

The Elf-abet!

 

How many reindeer does Santa Have???

11 (named below):
Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen,
Rudoph (the one with the red nose),
Olive (Olive the other reindeer {all of}),
and Al (Then Al the reindeer loved him {all}).

 

What nationality is Santa Claus?

North Polish.

 

What kind of bird can write?

A PENguin.

 

Why does Santa's sled get such good mileage?

Because it has long-distance runners on each side

 

Why does Scrooge love Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer?

because every buck is dear to him.

 

What do you get if you deep fry Santa Claus?

Crisp Cringle.

 

JUDY: What did the ghosts say to Santa Claus?

MIKE: We'll have a boo Christmas without you.

 

ELF NO. 1: What did Santa shout to his toys on Christmas Eve?

ELF NO. 2: Okay everyone, sack time!!

 

If athletes get athletes foot, what do astronauts get?

Missletoe!

 

Just before Christmas, there was an honest politician, a kind lawyer and Santa Claus travelling in a lift of a very posh hotel. Just before the doors opened they all noticed a $5 note lying on the floor. Which one picked it up??

Santa of course, the other two don't exist!

 

What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmastime?

Sandy Claus!

 

What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?

Claustrophobic.

 

What do snowmen eat for breakfast?

Snowflakes.

 

The Week Before Christmas

By Joyce Luke

'Twas the week before Christmas and all through the school
Not a pupil was silent, no matter what rule.
The children were busy with paper and paste;
The mess that they made with it couldn't be faced.

The teacher half frantic and almost in tears,
Had just settled down to work with her dears,
When out in the hall there arose such a clatter
up sprang the kids to see what was the matter!

Away to the door they all flew like a flash;
The one who was leading went down with a crash.
Then what to their wondering eyes did appear
But a green Christmas tree! (To decorate I fear!)

When the teacher saw this, she almost grew sick.
She knew in a moment it must be Old Nick!
She ran to the door (all her efforts were vain)
But she shouted, and stamped, and she called them by name;

"Now Tommy! Now Sandy, Now Judy and Harry!
Stop Billy! Stop Robert! Stop Donny and Sherry!
Now get to your places get away from the hall
Now get away! Get away! Get away all!

As leaves that before the wild hurricane fly
The pupils all stirred and started scurrying by.
They ran to the blackboard and skipped down the aisle;
Their faces were shining and each had a smile.

First came a basket of popcorn to string
Then came the Christmas tree (menacing thing).
As the tree was brought in there arose a great shout;
The pupils were merrily romping about.

The state they were in could lead to a riot;
The teacher was sure, if allowed, they would try it.
Her nerves how they jangled! Her temples were throbbing!
The rush of her breath sounded almost like sobbing!

The lines of her face were as fixed as a mask;
It was plain that she didn't feel up to her task.
The look in her eye would have tamed a wild steer,
But the children ignored it; they did every year.

A tear from her eye and a shake of her head
Soon led me to think that she wished she were dead.
She spoke not a word but went straight to her work,
Strung all the popcorn which broke with a jerk.

But at last it was finished and placed on the tree;
Then came the bell and the children were free.
Their shrill little voices soon faded away
And peace was restored at the end of the day.

As she looked at the Christmas tree glistening and tall,
She smiled as she whispered, Merry Christmas to all!

 

 

 

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